Theory of Relativity
Einstein has his theory and I have mine.
I’m a very joyful person. I don’t need a huge thing to happen to be inspired, energized or excited. An eternal optimist, maybe. But I spent decades of my life battling feelings of lack (still do sometimes). My problem was that when I experienced a win (big or small), I would unknowingly reach for my yardstick. How had I measured up against [fill in the blank]? For the briefest moment, I would know in my bones that my accomplishment was worth celebrating. But my need for external validation became my gauge to deeming my win as worthy. My life was defined not on my own terms but relative to someone else’s.
Material things. Relationships. Career choices. Motherhood. It didn’t matter the realm. Comparison existed. Even when the comments were unwarranted – they influenced me. One minute I was elated, the next I felt like a deer in headlights, questioning my values. I was left reeling and I hated it.
My ability to hold on to joy was relative to someone else’s opinion/reaction/standards. People around me were able to diminish my joy. If someone else didn’t think it was a big deal, I would tell myself the same. If someone didn’t celebrate my win with equal enthusiasm, I would feel robbed of the moment - angry, hurt and alone. I let other people steal my joy.
Self-discovery led me to see this pattern and own up to my part in it.
The best (and worst) part of looking inward is being able to identify your patterns and then realize that you are responsible for how you feel. How liberating and how frustrating! Because let’s face it, it’s easier to blame someone else. I came to see that I wasn’t being robbed of joy. I was giving it away freely. Ugh.
I wanted out. Rather, I wanted back in - to my own heart. There are some big realizations that helped me break free from that cycle:
Defending joy deflates it.
I didn’t want my highs followed by lows because someone didn’t say the right thing, celebrate the right way, validate my success. I realized these feelings were often self-inflicted due to the unrealistic expectations of others.
I began to keep my wins mostly to myself. I would determine how I would celebrate BEFORE I would share my joy. That way I wasn’t waiting for someone else to decide the appropriate celebratory act. I think, at first, I did it as protection – you know, just in case I succumbed to external validation. Joy is actually a really vulnerable place to exist.
But now, I absolutely love steeping in my own pure joy. It’s a gift I give myself, before I share it with anyone. It isn’t even about how long I keep it to myself (it might be just a few minutes). It’s really about the act itself – the change in mindset.
Which brings me to my next aha…
Consciously choose the person with whom you initially share your joy.
We can be in a hurry to share good news. Its infectious nature is one of the best qualities of joy. But the next big lesson I learned is to share it with the ‘right’ person. I am fortunate to have really loving family and friends. But it’s important to remember one person cannot be our everything. A small network is essential to meet our different needs. Honor the relationships in your life by understanding how each of those people brings value into your life. And then, share the news first with that ‘right’ person! Not everyone is a safe space all the time – so value yourself and consciously reach out. Joy is contagious. We want to share it. Let your joy multiply and uplift.
Like all emotions, joy is a passing one. We often want to cling to it unsure of when it will pop up again. (Or worse we don’t let ourselves enjoy it thinking we’ll stave off disappointment or pain.) The good news is joy is not as elusive as it seems. Joy lurks in the most ordinary places. So let yourself see it. And by all means, let yourself hold onto it.
These practices really helped me reconnect to myself and value my own experiences. They aren’t a shield from pain (I still get my feelings hurt sometimes), but tools to uncover worthiness. When feeling good isn’t about feeling better than someone, it can only lift people up. We are all equals with unique perspectives, contributions, lifestyles and dreams.
I believe there is a type of joy we will know only when we stop living relative to others, when we begin to look inward instead of outward. And that’s my Theory of Relativity. An audience of one is powerful. We don’t need the world to weigh in on our joy.
I spent more than half my life in a “fear economy” – a place where a focus on what we are not drives us to seek external approval. A place where safety is provided by strangers’ perceptions rather than our own knowing. I have steadily shifted to a “love economy” – a place where we focus on what we are. It’s a place where we see our ability to uniquely contribute to the world. A place where we are equals, incomparable because we all have our own path to travel.
Does the Theory of Relativity resonate with you?
