My conflict resolution tactic

Seen + Heard.

These are actually essential parts of the human experience; things we seek out and feel incomplete without. 

I recently decided to switch up my son’s piano teacher for convenience. I’m not one for reading all the fine print in a contract so, I just emailed the current music school and informed them that we wouldn’t be needing classes after the following week (which was when we were paid up until). 

A week later, I received an email from Richard, the director. Having had a few interactions with him over the past year, I could sense his frenzied energy in this correspondence. I chose to give him a quick call and settle this quickly and painlessly. As I dialed, I gave myself a little pep-talk. His email had my hairs standing on edge; I felt confrontation coming.

When I introduced myself, he immediately sounded defensive and frazzled, stuttering accusations at me. He was a little aggressive in his language and attempted to make me feel bad for my choice by pointing out how Sarah (my son’s teacher) had turned down other opportunities to keep our time slot open. He also pointed out that “as per the contract” he was owed four weeks notice. 

At first, I heard the defensive tone in my own voice. I wasn’t willing to feel guilty for someone else’s choices. But then something came over me - I got Curious. As I listened to him, I began to ask myself How is Richard feeling? What is he really trying to communicate to me?

I immediately could hear he was hurt, frustrated, and maybe even sad. I apologized for the short notice, offered to continue on for the three weeks, and complimented the school and the teacher. I laid it out clearly that this was really an issue of logistics. From a genuine place in my heart, I asked him, “How can I make this feel good for you?”

And just like that, he melted. He was understanding, showered my son with compliments, and said he’d welcome us back with open arms should we choose to return. 

Wow. 

I couldn’t believe the one-eighty he just pulled - all because I heard him. I didn’t have to inflate or deflate myself to make him feel better. He just needed to know that I understood him. This is how communication can feel when we don’t feel responsible for others feelings, but instead feel compassion for them. Communication often has deeper meaning, though it may not always be clear.

Improving our intra-communication skills, improves our inter-communication skills. 

This week, use it in your personal or professional life. When your child gets upset, your spouse overreacts (or under-reacts), or your co-worker makes a comment, remember the power you hold.

The way people respond and react is almost always about them, not you. Look for deeper meaning. Without diminishing your light, see theirs.