Unlearning

Maybe you still remember some of the magic of being a kid. Countless hours spent noticing, watching and admiring things adults don’t. Maybe you believed in things that seem silly now. Maybe you attempted things simply for the joy, not lingering on an outcome. I have memories like these. But at some unidentifiable point I got busy - with school and goals, friends and futures. Time started picking up speed. I was living a hustle lifestyle – work hard, play hard. I allowed the world around me to become a blurry background. 

Fast forward to today and I am grateful to be a different person. Actually, I feel more like myself than I have in a very long time. And I have my children to thank. 

I entered parenthood ready to take control of a little person’s life. I thought I would be great at it. I was doing the research and willing to put in the hours. I had a vision and a plan. I only needed to execute it.

And then my son showed up. Turns out parenting for me would be mostly about unlearning. While I was ready to love him and care for him, it seemed I had missed the memo about an essential skill. What I really should have been preparing for was how to let go of control. From the second he was born, I never wanted to let go. But from the second he was born, everything I would do would eventually help him walk away. I hope he and my daughter walk away as confident and kind humans, never needing to look back because they are certain my love will always be there. So, as impossible as it feels, I let go. 

One of the greatest gifts I have given myself is allowing myself to re-experience life, not as a child, but through a child’s eyes. Again, I’m letting go - of all that I thought was important, so that I may embrace all that actually is important. It’s wild to have life experience and witness the world with wonder. The things you appreciate are countless. The world you see is breathtaking. The life you lead is purposeful. When would I have ever stopped to admire a spider’s web, the perfection in a fallen leaf, the antics of a squirrel? I came into parenting under the assumption that I would take on the role of teacher. I did not expect to fall back into the role of student. But my children teach me daily: how to love, live, laugh and play like this is the only moment. Which it is. 

Parenting has given me the urgency to realize the value of reconnecting with myself. I cannot ask of them what I do not ask of myself. I don’t want to be an example of perfection, but one of courage.

Letting go has become a life’s work for me. Knowing that the only thing we can control in life is ourselves feels empowering (and some days, impossible). I do my best and then have faith that the rest will work itself out. Time may be working against me, but only if I’m trying to hold on too tightly. 

I used to look back on photos with a heavy heart. I felt robbed: of time and of joy. It has been scary learning to lead with the heart. It has also been totally worth it. I relish instead of rush. And time has slowed for me. Joy has crept back in. I’m savoring the magic and the chaos. 

Parenting lit a fire under me, but letting go is for anyone and everyone. We each will have a different motivator. Find yours. Start unlearning. A journey inward may feel messy and scary, but it’s the greatest adventure you’ll ever take.